curious

Nov 12, 2017

Hi Betsy I just came across your page and was curious. My sister graduated with you at Mission Bay High back in the 80s I was there. Anyway I was reading some of your posts and could relate to some of them. I met a man on an online dating site in Jan 2015. I moved into his home after only 6 months of dating. His family treated me like family almost immediatley. He and I got engaged on our 1 yr anniversary even though I saw many red flags that I choose to ignore. He wined and dined me flew me all over the country bought me flowers and told me I would never have to work again and that he wanted to take care of me the rest of my life. And he used the church and his involvement with the church as a way to make me think he was living a decent life and he was a good guy and being honest.. I did not date him because of all the things he gave me I dated him because we had a lot in common and I fell in love with him. I fell into the Co Dependent role pretty quickly. I started finding things that lead me to believe he was cheating. But when I told my parents they told me I was being paranoid. And of course my fiancee was telling me he would never do that he loved me and only wanted me. 16 months into our relationship I discovered something that he could not explain and he finally confessed that he had been sleeping with women and paying them for sex while away on business during our whole relationship. I pleaded with him to get help and he would not he denied he had a problem So I had no other choice than to leave it was still very hard for me to let go. I loved him deeply and gave that relationship my all probably much more than I should have. It took me several months to finally detach. 4 months after I left he got involved with another women that his family of all people introduced him to. And they knew the whole truth of what he had done to me. Finding that out was like someone just sticking the knife in a little harder. I told this women everything and she still decided to believe him and continue dating him even though at that time they had only been on three dates they are still together 10 months later. I want to move on. The problem is I have a very hard time trusting anyone now even my family. I feel like when anyone is kind they have some sort of motive. I no longer love him but I am still in a lot of pain from what he did. And truth be known I am mad at God for putting someone so soon into his life and I have been suffering so much because of his actions. He has no remorse. I am starting to date again. But I feel un attractive and hopeless. I worry at my age of 50 and needing to lose 90 pounds I will never meet my soul mate. Any suggestions? Sorry for writing such a novel. Lol Thank you Ashley 

 

Hi Ashley, firstly everything you’re experiencing is completely normal given what you have been through. I’m sorry you are feeling pain from your thinking about your recent break up… Notice I didn’t say sorry about your break up. Why? Because the break up didn’t cause your pain and sadness… your thinking… About it has! It’s normal to think things like, why did this happen to me, or I feel rejected, or I’m not good enough to get a wonderful man. But it only comes from our thinking when we are in a low mood. If you were feeling wonderful and happy my guess is you wouldn’t be having those negative thoughts. The first step is to identify your negative thinking and “choose” not to focus on it. Quiet your mind when you have negative thoughts and do something like exercise, call a cheerful and supportive friend, or watch a comedy… Whatever it takes for you to have more moments of happiness… Then when your mind is calm you may get an insight around your break up. You said you saw red flags but you didn’t pay attention. That’s ok. It happens to us a lot (that we don’t follow our instincts) so don’t judge yourself for letting that happen, we’re not robots… We ‘re human. Maybe next time you will follow your intuition a little more. You say you are upset that he has met someone else so soon and that she hasn't listened to what you told her about your ex cheating on you. We each have our own separate realities and “deal breakers” in relationship. What may be a deal breaker for you such as cheating, doesn’t mean that it’s the same for her or anyone else for that matter. Some people stay in a relationship even though they are aware they are being cheated on but maybe they draw the line somewhere else like physical abuse, or lying or not being an organized person, not working hard enough etc. You get my point. As for not trusting your family…I think everyone is doing the best they can at all times given their awareness and their thinking. Forgiveness is a wonderful choice to make and compassion for yourself for your family and for your ex will make the healing process more graceful and effortless. As for you finding your soul mate I would suggest not giving it too much thought. Get yourself feeling good again! Focus on that! If you want to release weight, then go to “Mark’s Daily Apple” web site and start following my best friend’s husband, Mark Sisson. His way of life is healthful, fun, yummy and you will lose weight and feel better than ever! I think we all draw in our perfect partner when it’s meant to happen. So trust in that. As for being mad at God… You don’t know that this whole situation hasn’t been a huge blessing for you… You just think right now that it’s been terrible and I’m sure it is very painful. But what’s the truth? We don’t know. Only the universe does and you may find strength in yourself that you never knew was there! So eat well get out there and take a brisk walk or hit the gym…Forgive your ex, his new girlfriend, God, your family... And then love yourself and your frailties… Concentrate on  your positive thoughts, let go of the negative thoughts, the judgments of what you don’t “think” should have happened… And focus on what you’re grateful for…Healing can take time, remember this too shall pass.  Sending love to you. xoxo Betsy



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Category: Ask Betsy

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