From Mari

Hi Betsy,

I have had a difficult relationship with my mother and sister for years. I've always had to allow them to control me to keep the peace. I'm 49 years old. I'm over it!! I haven't spoken with my sister in four years and my mother in three months. They are high drama. My life is peaceful without their poison. I desperately want to be happy. I'm so bullied and programmed by them that I still feel controlled by them even without having them in my life. How do I get rid of these feelings, keep them out of my life, and be happy? Everything in my life is good. I have great friends, a fabulous husband, wonderful daughter, and I love my work and am very successful. HELP!

Hi Mari,

Thanks for writing to me. If as you say your life is wonderful except for your feelings of being controlled by your mother and sister I would ask you to observe your thinking. Our thoughts cause our emotions as well as our feelings. I’m guessing you are having insecure and negative thoughts and choosing to focus on those thoughts which then cause you to think you are unhappy. When you are calm and relaxed and not focusing on stressful thoughts about your mom and sister you will be in a better feeling place. If not you may be reacting from a negative place caused by negative thoughts about them. We have over 70 thousand thoughts a day. We aren't in control of which thoughts come in and out of our head but we can practice focusing more on the happy or positive thoughts (we know they are positive because they make us feel good) which then directs our mood. If we focus on the negative thoughts we in turn get depressed and unhappy. It’s really that simple. When you have negative thoughts I recommend telling yourself to let those thoughts float away. I say to myself “I don’t know what I don’t know” meaning we don’t have all the information about anything ever! We only think we do. It’s only our perspective. When you are calm and relaxed and in a good mood you may get an insight around the situation with your mother and sister. I’m wondering if you have been your most compassionate loving self with them? We are all doing the best we can given our thinking in the moment and they are no exception. The universe meets us where we are. Meaning the more loving and compassionate we are, really is how others show up to us. And if they don’t, that’s ok too because we see the loving in them anyway. It’s all the lens we’re looking through. I’ll give you an example of that. My son came home from college and remarked “Mom, I’ve noticed most of my friends are so much nicer now and more open with me than they used to be.” To which I replied, “you're different honey, you’re looking at them through a happier more open and evolved lens.” I recommend that you read “The relationship Handbook” by George Pransky and “Inside Out Revolution” by Michael Neil. These are stellar books and they will explain more about these subjects and “The Three Principals" (Thought, mind and consciousness) Good luck!

Betsy RussellFamily